Axiom #2: It’s a Trio, not a Duet
Picture this: you’re attending your friend’s wedding ceremony. The officiant pronounces the two love birds wed, the kiss ensues, and all cheer the happy celebration…
Our ceremonies celebrate the union of two people – a dyad.
Sometime later, when the couple is alone, a tiff breaks out. It’s during these periods of relational disharmony that dyads become triads. It’s a predictable and natural process. The two reach out to other people, generally friends, parents, children, and other family members to make themselves feel better, blow off some steam, and gain an ally. Again, this happens so frequently most don’t even notice it. When couples are calm, they are dyads, but when couples experience conflict, they form triads in order to decrease their own anxiety. In the business we call this triangulation, and it’s a normal relationship dynamic. Just think about it in your own life: If you and your partner were to argue, to whom would your partner reach out? Who always seems to know what’s going on in your relationship?
Triangulation isn’t all bad, nor should it always be avoided. When a boss and an employee disagree, it’s normal for the boss to complain about the employee to upper management, and it’s normal for the employee to complain about the boss (Jerk!) to their coworkers. It’s expected. Triangulation becomes a problem when it prevents the couple from managing their own conflict and subsequent relational anxiety. Couples are more likely to triangulate when the conflict is really intense, and/or when the partners are more emotionally reactive. A third person is brought into the conflict, and now it’s two against one. Then the solo partner triangulates to balance the conflict, only to ensure that the dynamic continues. It’s during this period that something really painful or damaging gets said (“I hope you never marry someone like your mother!” or “I told you not to marry him!”), and the residual pain continues to affect the relationship even once the original conflict subsides.
