We Need It Like Food, Air And Water…
By: Giselle Armantrout
Are you and your partner emotionally connected?
In many instances, couples come into therapy because they have become emotionally disconnected, which may, or may not, lead to increased arguing. Hence why they are sitting in my office. Who wants to argue all the time! For other couples, however, there is no fighting, they just do not feel “in love”. The theme here is, we love one another however, we do not feel “in love”.
This week, during an intake session, a couple shared that they do not argue, and in fact, they rarely even bicker. In their situation, they feel that they are living parallel lives. My explanation to them is that couples disconnection typically does not happen overnight. It can be a gradual process that that can lead to toxic interactional patterns, presenting as criticizing and attacking one another. Or the couple who becomes complacent can present as withdrawing or distancing from one another. Both situations serve as coping mechanisms when we know no other way.
Whether you are arguing more or experiencing an unexplainable distance, this can be scary. Couples do not necessarily know how to reconnect or why they have arrived in this space. I try and ease the confusion, anxiety and fear by explaining that without therapy, how would you know?
After all, no one hands us a manual to teach us the principles of understanding and repairing relational issues. We typically repeat what we saw modeled to us in our younger years. I do not want to generalize. This is not always the case, but it definitely happens more times than not.
Want to reconnect?
If your relationship is distressed and you are feeling disconnected from your partner, I encourage you to lean in, get curious and seek connection. You deserve it! And… as humans we require love in our lives. We need it as much as we need food, air and water. There are many studies that show that when babies are born, a lack of connection and love, they will die. Ask yourself this- as adults why would those needs be different. These are necessities from cradle to grave.
Relational disconnection is not like a cold that will pass if you wait long enough. In fact, untended distress and emotional disconnection typically gets worse. When we, as humans becoming infected with the virus of protecting ourselves from the pain of the disconnection, we start to survive rather than thrive. When this happens, we rely on those toxic interactional patterns previously discussed: criticize/attack or distance/withdraw. However, there is hope!
Seek the help of an experienced couple’s therapist or at the very least, start with a good book. See suggestions below.
There are scientifically proven ways to help couples reconnect and restructure their bonds. This is accomplished by utilizing a modality called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) that was developed by relationship expert, Dr. Sue Johnson. She teaches- the first step out is to recognize the toxic pattern and begin to get curious around that. Don’t spend your time on the issues that trigger the pattern, learn and understand you pattern.
I am a certified Emotional Focused Therapist and can assist you in understanding your interactional patterns resulting in improving and restructuring your bonding connection. Don’t let the cold turn into an infection! If you need help reconnecting, schedule your consultation today.
Resource:
