Change the routine

This is the 4th post in a series of posts to help regular-but-busy couples bring more satisfying sex to their marriages and break free from that sexual rut.  If you’ve been following the posts, and practicing the tips, by now you’re touching more, enjoying each other’s company, and talking intentionally together about your sex life.  That’s a great start!  If fact, you’re probably already reaping the fruits of your co-labor.  So now that things are beginning to improve, I want to encourage you to spice things up a bit more by adding some variety to your routine.  That’s right, most couples develop a sexual routine that they both know and follow, and this routine ensures order and comfort.  Routine isn’t at all bad; we all need and crave structure.  But routine can become bland, boring, and dis-connective.  Routine can allow you to check out mentally while performing physically, and this isn’t good for connective sex.  So, every few months, couples should consider varying their routine by adding nuanced wrinkles or abrupt changes to their sexual pattern.  In this post, I want to help you excavate yourself from that rut and bring fresh changes to your sexual routine.

Breaking Free

Begin the process of adding changes by asking a few questions, namely when, where, and how.  

• When do you typically have sex? – what time of day do you typically have sex?  Could you move this around and try something during a different part of the day?  What days during the week are you least likely to have sex, and what do you think accounts for this?
• Where do you engage in sex? – To what locations do you typically restrict your sexual activity?  How can you safely (and legally) vary this, be it a new location in the house, a safe location outside of the house, or simply a new location in your bedroom?  Even just changing your position in the bed or reorienting the pillows can add variety.  Feel free to get creative!
• How does your sexual activity usually unfold? – Try and map out your sexual routine.  What do you do first together?  How does it typically end?  What are some other steps, positions, focuses, toys, etc that you could add to the routine?  Once you’ve mapped out your routine with your partner, it will probably be pretty easy to add one new wrinkle.

Lastly, I want you to consider the question of why you’re having sex together anyway?  What’s the purpose of goal?  Is it to connect, to have fun, to enjoy each other or to blow off some steam?  Is it to feel more intimate, to share yourself, or to be known more deeply by your spouse?  Is it for self-pleasure, to conceive, for exercise, or to feel good about yourself?  By discussing the why of sex with your partner, you’ll probably be able to find a deeper, more mutual purpose to your sexual activity, and in doing so, you’ll likely both be able to engage in sex with a renewed focus and commitment. Enjoy!