Talk about Sex together
This is the 3rd post in a 5-part series designed to help regular-but-busy couples bring more frequent sex to their marriage. Many of the couples that I work with in my counseling practice want to have sex more often, and for it to be more enjoyable. If that’s you, this series is a good place to start. As with most things in life, if you do the basic stuff really well, the more complicated stuff often has a way of taking care of itself…
So, if you’ve been following the series, by now you’re touching more (non-sexually)
and spending more time together. In this post, I want to encourage you to talk about your sex life. That’s right, sit down together and have a conversation about sex, but not a gripe session or a monologue. Calmly, kindly, and openly share your thoughts with your partner about your sex life. In counseling, I regularly ask couples if they talk to each other about sex, and many confess that they do not. Most couples don’t talk about sex once problems develop. They seem to hope that their partner becomes a mind-reader, and as you can guess, this rarely works. Remember mythical couple from post 1, they were not talking about sex, but they both needed to. The conversation I’m describing should ultimately bring 
you closer together, not push you apart. It should be a conversation that’s enjoyable for both, not one characterized by pressure and complaining. It’s a kind, casual conversation – an intentional conversation where you both hear each other’s sexual needs. It can even begin with a letter or note written by one partner inviting the other to join the conversation. Again, the key is a no-pressure conversation that brings you both closer together.
Here are some possible questions to get you started:
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What’s working for us? What are we doing that we both like?
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What else would we like to include, introduce or improve?
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What seem to be the barriers for us?
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If you could add one small new wrinkle or enhancement to our sex life, what would it be?
Now, if the thought of having these talks totally freaks
you out, maybe consider seeking the help of a professional to facilitate the conversation. Many clients will consult with a counselor on a very short-term basis (3 sessions) just to assist with making these types of conversations more beneficial and fruitful. After all, who doesn’t want a more fruitful sex life?
