Marriage in a Funk? Posted by: Dr. Matt

Are You Prioritizing Your Relationship?

By: Giselle Armantrout

If I had a dollar for every time a couple told me they were in a funk and they were not feeling “in love” in their relationship, I could take a trip to Europe! How do relationships get to this yucky spot of not feeling in love… loss of connection & emotional responsiveness. Couples get stuck in a rut and stop showing up for one another.

What Happens In the Funk?

Fight or flight! We start to panic because we are losing connection with the most important person in our life. But instead of reaching to reconnect by saying, “be with me, I miss you or I need you.” We start having frequent toxic dialogues that put us further in the funk.  The longer partners stay disconnected the more negative their interactions become.  Meaningful conversations are replaced with frequent recurring arguments and power struggles that sound like this:  “Why are you always late, it’s your turn to take out the trash, work is more important than family, we never have sex, you spend way too much money.”  And countless others.

One partner may respond with anger and verbal attacks, while the other reacts with silence and withdraws.  This behavior resulting in one person feeling rejected, inadequate, and a failure, while the other feels abandoned and not heard. Ultimately, resulting in disconnection between the two.  This pattern or cycle is very painful for both partners.

How Do We Put An End To The Funk?

Slow down, reflect on where did the love go and consciously reconnect. Decide and commit to falling in love again. Science from all fields is telling us that we are not only social beings, but beings that need a special kind of close connection with our most loved ones.

Couples find themselves in a tough spot in their relationships because life gets so busy and they loose site of remembering to prioritize one another.  Whether you have 10 minutes or all day to spend together, make sure you are being intentional and using the time to strengthen your connection. It is so important to make an effort each and every day to connect with your spouse. It is the difference between living a happy connected united relationship versus living separate parallel lives.

Often, couples share with me their relationship would be better if they could just see eye to eye or if they could solve some of their differences. It is making the relationship better first by connecting and being emotionally available to one other that the differences get solved. I have seen the presenting problem become less serious once they reconnect.

What can you do to make your marriage a priority again and reconnect on a regular basis?