Do you cause your family problems?
I was recently reading an old family therapy book entitled Change, and I was reminded of how often we create our own mess, or at least muck it up a bit more than necessary. Or maybe it’s just me…. surely this doesn’t ever happen to you.
But how do we become the creators of our own junk? Let me offer 3 ideas from the classic text.
Problems created by inaction:
First, there are plenty of times in life when a small irritant of a problem germinates, and begins to grow. Like a splinter in the skin. 
Action is needed – like removing the splinter, but for a number of reasons, we choose to turn a blind eye, bury our heads in the sand, and hope it “works itself out.” Why? Maybe we’re unsure of what to do. Maybe we’re overwhelmed with other things. Maybe we’re scared or scarred into inaction. But for whatever reason we wait. And wait… And soon, the small irritant has grown into a major festering problem, life threatening issue, or catastrophic situation with catastrophic consequences. This is precisely how weight gain generally happens, and how defiant children become delinquent teens, and a host of other slowly developing problems. Once patience crosses into denial, problems are sure to follow.
Second, Problems created by action, when no action is needed:
Listen, my friends, family, and clients all complain of problems that a) really have no solution, or b) aren’t really problems at all. Let’s face it, there are problems that don’t really exist in reality, but are only created within the framework of my/our perfectionistic expectations. I can spend a lot of time, money, energy, and anguish trying to prevent ageing, but none of those “solutions” are really going to stop time. The problem comes from one’s idealistic expectation of how one should look or be, rather than accepting how things are. I can spend a lot of time and energy trying to get my kids to make straight A’s, or I could accept the notion that straight A’s aren’t really a requirement for health, achievement, success, and happiness. Now, if your kid is lazy and underachieving, see #1. But let’s admit, perfectionism is a devil that creates all sorts of problems.
Third, Problems created by poor “solutions”:
All of us face challenges, difficulties, and irritants. Life has problems. But what about the moments when we notice a problem, attempt to solve the problem, but our solution either a) has no effect on the problem despite repeated attempts, or b) exacerbates the irritant into a major forest fire of a problem? At times, our solutions pour gasoline, rather than cooling water, on the “problem.” Medicine has a word for these types of “solutions” – iatrogenic, meaning interventions that create real problems. Like how benzodiazepines, a class a medications including Valium, which were developed to treat anxiety, actually seem to increase anxiety with long-term use. Or how several medications produced to decrease the symptoms of Schizophrenia, led to diabetes and other metabolic disorders seemingly unrelated to hallucinations or delusions. Or how the old “cold shoulder,” a common response to relational distance with hopes of 
bringing your spouse close, can actually prolong the distance. Yep, truth be told, in counseling and in life, we often make our own mess, and it’s often our solutions that are to blame. Not always, but it’s more common then we’d like to admit.
How do you contribute to your own problems?
